Loony, Loopy Lupin
by Avery-Lou
Summary: When a misfired spell addles Remus' brains, he turns the whole school upside down... with a little help from Moaning Myrtle, Peeves the Poltergeist, and a chicken named Lady. This is the story behind Peeves' infamous song. ONESHOT.


**A/N: Here it is! My first kiriban fic! Thanks to everyone who submitted ideas for this story, and especially to Infinitechange, who submitted the 100th review to my story _James Potter and the Shrieking Shack_ (which, incidentally, is now nearly to 200 reviews).**

* * *

**Loony, Loopy Lupin**

"What happened to your scarf?" James asked the moment Sirius entered the common room upon his return from the Easter holidays. It was their fourth year at Hogwarts, and Sirius' parents had inexplicably decided to make one last, desperate bid at reforming their wayward son.

If the devious grin on Sirius' face was anything to go by, however, the Blacks' scheme had failed. Miserably.

"Like it?" Sirius asked, gathering the scarf – which was longer than standard Hogwarts scarves by several feet – into his lap as he plopped down beside James. The Gryffindor red and gold were not entirely absent from the scarf, but they were now joined by bands of brown and green and blue. "Charmed it myself!"

Remus looked up from a translation he was working on for Ancient Runes. "It's very… colorful."

Sirius laughed and pulled a bag of sweets from his pocket. He held it out toward his friends. "Jelly baby?"

"What's that?" Peter asked, taking one of the small, brightly-colored gummies and popping it into his mouth. James also took Sirius up on his offer, but Remus shook his head.

"Muggle thing," said Sirius.

James raised an eyebrow. "I thought your parents wanted to 'set you straight.'"

"Course they did." Sirius bit the head off a red jelly baby. "Locked me in my room with loads of blood-purist rubbish and told me to read every last page. So, naturally, I spent the week at my muggle neighbor's house."

"Naturally," muttered Remus, but he was grinning into the pages of his rune dictionary.

"We spent the whole time playing snap – not the exploding kind, unfortunately – and watching telly." Sirius nudged James. "You need to get a telly, mate. There's this programme you'd love. Honestly, it may just be the best thing in the muggle _or_ magical world!"

"That good?" James asked, dubious.

Sirius nodded vigorously and launched into an emphatic description of everything that made the programme brilliant – travel through space and time, daring chases, battles of wits against terrifying aliens, and above all, a madman with a blue box. As he spoke, he pulled out his wand and a tool the length of his hand, which he identified as a muggle screwdriver. He tapped and prodded the screwdriver with his wand, with no visible effects, and when Remus asked what he was trying to do, Sirius only said that he was trying to "make it sonic," which didn't help any of his friends understand his intent.

An hour later, having fallen silent to fiddle with his wand and not-yet-sonic screwdriver, Sirius let out a groan of frustration.

"Why don't you take a break?" James suggested. "It's time for dinner anyway."

Sirius pouted, but didn't protest the break for food, although he continued to charm his screwdriver without success as they walked down to the Great Hall. Once there, he alternated between muttering enchantments whose purpose James couldn't even begin to guess and distractedly levitating food to his mouth.

James watched in bemusement as Remus followed the movements of Sirius' wand. A furrow had appeared between the werewolf's brows and grew deeper with each spell Sirius cast.

"You ought to be more careful," Remus said at length.

Sirius didn't look up from his task as he said, "How come?"

Waving his fork in a vaguely accusatory manner, Remus frowned. "Do you remember what I told you when you came up with that list of all the things you want the Map to be able to do?"

"Not really." Sirius summoned a roll and took a bite. "But I'd guess it's got something to do with being more careful."

James snickered as Remus smacked his forehead. "Do none of you ever listen to me?"

"I listen!" Peter chirped.

Sirius' eyes darted to Peter for an instant. "Alright. What'd he say?"

"That it was dangerous to use so many spells on one object."

"So basically what I just said, then."

"And they still aren't listening," Remus muttered.

Shrugging, James gave Remus a sympathetic smile. "They can't help it if they've got the attention span of a caffeinated squirrel!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "You're worse than the two of them combined, James."

"I am not!"

"Oh really?" The look Remus gave him was one of wry condescension. After a moment, his gaze drifted over James' shoulder. "Look! There's Lily."

James whirled around, hand darting up to his hair. "Where?" But the clever, sharp-tongued redhead was nowhere in sight, and Remus couldn't hold his laughter in for long. James shot his friend a glare and attacked his steak with gusto. "You're mean, Moony."

"Yes, but I'm also right." Grinning, Remus turned back to Sirius and Peter, who was leaning over to watch Sirius work. "Please, Sirius. You don't know how all those spells will interact. You're going to lose a hand at this rate!"

Sirius snorted. "Relax, would you? I know what I'm—"

But whatever spell he was casting at that moment proved to be one too many for the screwdriver, which suddenly began to screech like nails on a chalkboard. James hastily dropped his knife and fork to cover his ears – as did most of the surrounding Gryffindors, including Sirius. Sirius' wand and the screwdriver clattered to the table together, and as they touched, they released a bolt of pink light that hit Remus in the chest with enough force to knock him off the bench.

"MOONY!"

James dropped down beside Remus, who had curled in on himself, clutching the front of his robes. Across the way, Peter bounded to his feet and Sirius began to scramble over the table, sending his wand and screwdriver (mercifully silent now that its excess magic had been spent) flying.

Suddenly, Remus began to laugh, loud and long, his face turning red with his mirth. James let out a shaky breath and settled back onto his heels as Sirius snatched up his wand.

"If that was supposed to be a joke," said Sirius testily, "it wasn't very funny. Blimey, Remus, I thought I'd killed you!" Remus' only response was to laugh harder and, scowling, Sirius grabbed the half-eaten roll from his plate and hurled it at Remus' head. "Git."

Remus' laughter cut off with a surprised yelp as the roll hit him. For a moment, he stared at it in confusion and indignation, but then a devious grin split his face. He grabbed the roll and sprang up, so suddenly James fell backward in surprise.

Then, with a bellow of, "BARUK KHAZAD!" that startled the whole Hall into silence, Remus hurled the roll back at Sirius, who yelped and ducked out of the way. But Remus wasn't done. With a flick of his wand, he summoned half a dozen baskets of rolls, roared at the top of his lungs, and flung roll after roll at the surrounding students.

There was a moment of stunned silence and then, whooping in delight, Remus' targets began to retaliate. Within moments, the air was thick with flying food, and Remus ran through the fray, laughing like a maniac. James ducked a flying cherry dumpling and pinned Sirius with a murderous glare.

"What did you _do_?"

"I don't know!" Sirius cried, using his plate to ward off a swarm of chips someone had enchanted to dive-bomb his head. "I wanted to see if I could get _Alohomora_ to stick!"

"What _for?_"

Sirius cringed. "So I could use my sonic screwdriver to unlock doors."

"You can use your _wand_ to unlock doors."

The grin that suddenly split Sirius' features did nothing to soothe James' frazzled nerves. "That's it!"

James frowned and raised a Shield Charm to block a blob of mashed potatoes sailing his way.

"What's it?" asked Peter, who had ducked underneath the table to avoid the flying food.

"I don't have to make the screwdriver sonic at all! I can just make my wand _look_ like a screwdriver!" Sirius thrust his wand into the air triumphantly— and took a steak to the face for his distraction. Staggering back, Sirius made a face. "Hey," he said suddenly, euphoria replaced with concern. "Where's Moony?"

-.-.-

Thirty minutes later, whistling a cheery tune over the clucking of the uppity chicken he had tucked under one arm, Remus strolled down the second floor corridor. He twirled his wand absently, occasionally letting loose bursts of unfocused magic that left in his wake a trail of statues that shrieked like banshees, doors that banged in time with Remus' whistling, books that flapped about like bats, and assorted stones that flashed insults in vivid orange.

"Shiny," said Remus happily.

The chicken squawked and squirmed, and Remus took this as agreement.

Today was going to be a good day.

-.-.-

"POTTER!"

Sirius gave a gleeful grin as James cringed away from Lily Evans' screech. They were on the first floor searching for Remus, but it seemed Lily had somehow managed to track them down. James hastily mussed up his hair, plastered a suave smirk on his face, and turned back toward the irate redhead. "Evans!" he cried. "Lovely as always, I see."

"Save it, Potter." Lily shoved James in the chest so hard he stumbled backward. A look of surprise the barest hint of fear replaced James' smirk. "_What_ on God's green earth have you done to Remus?"

James seemed to shrink in the face of Lily's wrath (which, of course, only made Sirius burst out laughing). "It was _his_ fault!" James flung out a finger toward Sirius.

Sirius stopped laughing at once.

Green eyes blazing, Lily rounded on Sirius, who crept backwards. "Now Evans…" He glanced down the corridor. If he sprinted, he might just make it.

"I don't think so, Black." Lily's hand shot out to grab a hold of Sirius' ear.

"Ow!" Sirius yelped. "Bloody hell woman! Who are you, my grandmother?" He clawed at the hand, but Lily refused to let go. "That's a _load,_ James. You're a _brilliant_ friend. You know that, right?"

"Well, it _was_ your fault…" James scratched his chin. "Anyhow, while you two are talking, I'm going to keep looking for Moony."

Lily had her wand out in a heartbeat. "_Accio glasses!_"

"Oi!" James protested as his spectacles flew into Lily's waiting hand. "I _need_ those!"

Snorting, Lily pocketed both the glasses and her wand. "You'll get them back when you've told me what happened to Remus— And don't _you_ get any ideas about running off, Peter, or I'll turn your face orange."

"Evans!" cried Sirius, bending sideways to ease the pain in his ear. "You _have_ got a sense of humor!"

"I don't really think now's the time, Sirius," Peter muttered.

Evidently satisfied that James and Peter would behave, Lily gave a sharp, painful tug on Sirius' ear and strode down the corridor to an empty classroom.

"In."

James squinted around the room. "This is nice… I'd've preferred a broom cupboard, without these two blighters, but still..."

Kicking the door shut, Lily scowled at James but finally, mercifully, released Sirius' ear. At once, Sirius retreated to the far side of the room, rubbing his ear, and sat in the chair in the corner, which he turned backwards as a shield against any lingering frustrations Lily might decide to unleash on him.

Lily stood in front of the door, hands on her hips. "Now tell me what happened to Remus."

Sirius shrugged. "How should I know?"

"Sirius' spell misfired or something," said James.

"_What_ spell?" Lily pressed.

Both James and Peter turned to Sirius, who tried to look bored. "_Alohomora_," he said, "…ish."

"_Ish?_" Lily crossed the room in a flash, and Sirius reflexively covered his head with his arms. Lily opted to go for his extra long, extra colorful scarf, which she used to haul him up to her eye level. "What's _that_ supposed to mean?"

Sirius swallowed nervously. "Er… It was _Alohomora_, but not exactly the way we learned it. I was… experimenting…"

With a huff, Lily dropped Sirius back into his seat and turned to pace the room. "_Brilliant_," she muttered. "You three are ruddy _geniuses_, aren't you?"

Sirius grinned. "I like to think so."

"Sirius," hissed Peter. "Shush up."

But Lily had already whirled, hair flying. "Have you _never_ heard the professors telling us not to 'experiment' with magic?"

"Can't say as I have," said James.

"Sweet _Merlin!_" Lily's hand went to her hair as she glared back and forth between James and Sirius. "You two _toerags_ are absolutely insufferable!"

"What?" James crossed his arms. "What did _I_ do?"

"You encourage _him_!" She flung a scathing look Sirius' way; he wiggled his fingers back at her. Lily, of course, ignored him. "Don't you _realize_ how serious this is? Spell damage like this could land Remus in St. Mungo's for years!"

Sirius snorted. "Not likely."

"You don't even know what spell you used, Black! It's a miracle you didn't kill him!"

Sirius turned to James. "And you _like_ this bird? She's so dramatic…"

Lily stalked over to Sirius, brought her heel down on his toes, and whirled toward the door. "At least I _care_. You lot do whatever you want. _I'm_ going to look for Remus."

"I'll come with you!" James cried, following her out the door. Peter was a few steps behind, and Sirius was left to limp after them, cursing under his breath.

"Bugger off, Potter," Lily snapped.

"Not happening. I want to help Remus every bit as much as you do, Evans." Lily snorted at this, but James pressed on: "And anyhow, you've still got my glasses."

Lily stopped short, dug the spectacles out of her pocket, and shoved them into James' hand. "Happy?"

"Very," said James, settling the frames over his ears. "I'm still coming with you."

As Lily opened her mouth to protest, Sirius caught sight of a familiar, hulking figure that had just turned the corner ahead.

"Hagrid!"

The man looked up, startled, at the sound of his name and attempted a smile for the four Gryffindors. It fell flat, however, for Hagrid kept glancing anxiously from side to side.

"Is something the matter, Hagrid?" Lily asked, sounding so politely cheerful that Sirius could hardly believe this was the same girl who had been chiding him and James for the last five minutes.

"Lookin' fer Lady," said Hagrid, ducking his great, shaggy head into another classroom. "She was in her pen by me house this mornin', an' now I can't find 'er anywhere!"

"One of Hagrid's pets got loose?" Peter muttered. "Anyone else up for a trip to Hogsmeade?"

James and Sirius snorted with laughter, and Lily shot Peter a disapproving frown, but Hagrid seemed not to have heard. With a sniffle, the enormous man cupped his hands around his mouth. "Lady! Lady, where are yeh? C'mere, Lady!"

Sirius looked around, not sure if he should face Hagrid's pet like a Gryffindor or join Peter in making a Honeydukes run. But the seconds ticked by without an answering call, thundering footfalls, or any other sign of an approaching beast. Sirius breathed a sigh of relief.

Hagrid, on the other hand, sniffled again and broke down sobbing. "Where could she've got off to?" he moaned, burying his face in his hands. "Poor Lady, out there all alone…"

"Don't worry, Hagrid," said Lily, reaching up to pat Hagrid's shoulder. "I'm sure… er… Lady is perfectly alright."

"But she's never been on her own before! She needs me. I've gotta find 'er!"

"Well, what if we helped you look for her?"

Hagrid raised his face and gave Lily a teary smile. "Would yeh?"

"Of course!" Lily smiled back.

Sirius crossed his arms. "What about Remus?"

Rolling her eyes, Lily turned to Sirius. "Maybe it's too mentally taxing for someone like _you_, Black, but _I_ can look for more than one person at a time." She smiled sweetly at Hagrid. "What sort of creature _is_ Lady, Hagrid?"

"She's a chicken."

For a moment, no one seemed to know what to say to that. Sirius struggled to keep from laughing and refused to look at James, who was no doubt facing the same problem.

At length, Lily found her voice. "Where did you find a chicken?"

"Professor Kettleburn was lookin' after her," said Hagrid. "Got hit with a spell or summat in Hogsmeade few days back, and Professor Kettleburn was seein' if he couldn't undo it. He said he couldn't do it without hurtin' her, and if he'd called in the Ministry, they'd've killed 'er!"

"So you saved the poor, bespelled chicken?" James asked, voice choked with suppressed laughter. Sirius snorted and drove his elbow into James side. He was making it very difficult for Sirius to maintain his composure.

Lily glared them both into silence. "I think that's very sweet of you, Hagrid. I'll help you find Lady, don't you worry."

"Yer too kind, Lily." Hagrid drew a handkerchief the size of a shirt from his pocket and blew his nose very noisily. "Did ya say yeh were lookin' fer Remus?"

Nodding, Lily pursed her lips. "He's been hit by a misfired spell, just like Lady." Sirius grinned at her accusatory glare.

Hagrid chuckled. "Not _jus'_ like Lady, I hope."

Sirius raised his eyebrows, but Hagrid just smiled and shook his head. "'s not important just now. Remind me ta show yeh sometime."

-.-.-

As Remus entered the toilet with the chicken, which he'd decided to call Leeroy, Moaning Myrtle gave a pointed sniff. "What are _you_ doing here?" She glanced behind him. "Where are your friends? The ones who always throw things at me? Come to practice so you can beat them next time?" She scowled at Leeroy. "Haven't ever had a _bird_ thrown at me before."

Remus listened to Myrtle's accusations placidly. He smiled at her, then started walking, toe-to-heel, across the room. Twice he had to catch himself on cubicle doors so he didn't take a tumble, but eventually, arms spread wide for balance, he made it to the row of sinks and perched on the end of the nearest one. Leeroy appeared slightly ruffled by this endeavor, but Remus simply patted her head to soothe her.

Leeroy clucked irritably.

"No, Leeroy," said Remus.

Myrtle had stopped ranting and now floated by the far wall, eyeing Remus oddly. "Are you ill?"

"Nope!" Remus shook his head vigorously. "Just came to say hullo." He beamed. "Hullo, Myrtle."

"Hello…" Myrtle's eyes had narrowed, and she stayed where she was – as far from Remus as possible in the small room.

Remus didn't mind. "Mmmyrtle," he said to Leeroy, who stared blankly back, obviously not understanding. Remus elaborated: "Mmmoaning Mmmyrtle. _Mmm_." He grinned at Myrtle. "Melancholy Myrtle. Morose, moribund, macabre, maligned, mumbling—"

"Oh, _I_ see." Myrtle huffed and crossed her arms. "You're only here to tease me, just like everybody else— _aren't_ you?"

Remus cocked his head to the side. "Miffed, Myrtle?" He chuckled at his joke, but Myrtle seemed much less amused by the alliteration. Wailing, Myrtle disappeared through the door of the second cubicle. There was a splash, and then the sound of sobbing filled the room.

Leeroy clucked, and Remus nodded in agreement. "Melodramatic Myrtle."

His only answer was a loud sniff and the dripping of one of the sinks.

After a moment, Remus hopped to the ground, set Leeroy in the sink with a gesture telling her to stay put, and strode across the room. He pushed open the door to Myrtle's cubicle and squeezed inside.

Myrtle hovered over the toilet seat, her back to the door, hugging her knees to her chest. "Go away," she sobbed. "You've had your fun, now leave me alone."

Remus smiled and patted her shoulder sympathetically – or tried to. As Myrtle was a ghost, Remus' hand passed through her easily, though it did feel as though he'd plunged his hand into a bucket of ice.

In any case, it got Myrtle's attention and, wiping her nose on her sleeve, she turned her head to study Remus. "What?"

"Why are you always sad?" he asked, brow furrowed.

"Because," she said sullenly. "Everybody's always making fun of me."

"You can have fun, too."

A squawk and a flutter of wings drew Remus' gaze away from Myrtle and to Leeroy, who was attempting to sneak past the cubicle to freedom. Remus pursed his lips and chased after her. It wasn't an easy task, for Leeroy had wings and kept darting behind toilets and under sinks. A few minutes later, however, Remus managed to grab her neck and tuck her securely under one arm. Turning, he saw that Myrtle had emerged from her cubicle and floated a few feet away, staring at Remus with her mouth hanging open.

"You could be Merry Myrtle, if you wanted," said Remus, in case Myrtle hadn't understood him before.

Myrtle's mouth snapped shut, and her expression darkened once more. "Why do you care?"

Remus blinked. "You're sad. You shouldn't be."

"It's not _my_ fault," Myrtle huffed. "I didn't ask to be picked on."

"I know." Winking, Remus flashed a devious grin. "But when life gives you Devil's Snare, set it on fire."

Rather than leap at Remus' offer, Myrtle merely raised an eyebrow. "What are you suggesting, exactly?"

"Be mischievous, Myrtle. Help me have fun today."

"You want my help?" A light had entered Myrtle's eyes, and she crossed the room so quickly Leeroy dissolved into a nervous fit. Remus ignored her and beamed at Myrtle, whose face floated mere inches from his own. He could feel the chill coming off her, but he didn't shiver. "You aren't just saying that to trick me?"

Remus giggled. "I don't want to trick _you_. I want to trick _with_ you!"

"You mean it?"

Nodding so emphatically he and Myrtle would have banged heads (had she possessed a corporeal form), Remus spread his arms wide, allowing the frantic chicken to fly to the far corner of the room. "Make the castle cry, Myrtle!"

-.-.-

They'd lost Hagrid some time ago to spotted, singing armours on the third floor.

The first had sprung to life as they passed, seized Peter by the robes, and started singing an old sea chantey in his face while drunkenly swinging around a candlestick that had somehow replaced its sword. Lily, who had drawn her wand to help Peter, was quickly sidetracked into berating James and Sirius, who lay on the floor in fits of laughter.

It wasn't the first time Peter missed Remus' kindness and composure, and he was sure it wouldn't be the last.

Fortunately, Hagrid soon stepped forward and tore the suit of armour off Peter. A moment later, however, two dozen armours appeared in the corridor, surrounding Hagrid and cutting him off from the fourth years. Each sang a different song and wielded a different weapon – a quill, a scroll of parchment, a brass telescope, and even a hairbrush.

"Don' worry about' me!" Hagrid shouted over the din, while he dented a helmet with one enormous fist. "Keep lookin' fer Remus an' Lady. Pro'ly best ta split up, anyhow."

Peter had been only too happy to go somewhere he didn't have to worry about having his eye gouged out with a spoon. For a while, they'd wandered the castle, occasionally stumbling upon a door that screamed obscenities as they passed through or a window that threw confetti on them. But they saw no clue to where Remus may have gone, nor of Hagrid's missing chicken.

They walked mostly in silence, save for James, who had fallen into step beside Lily. He'd quickly launched into an endless stream of increasingly desperate flirting, and Peter doubted whether Lily could control her temper much longer.

"Do you like Quidditch?" James asked.

"No."

"Cause you look like a Keep— oh…" James' face fell. "Er… I like… your hair. It's… red, like… fire. From a Hungarian Horntail."

Peter turned to Sirius. "Is he calling her a dragon?"

"Sounds about right to me," said Sirius with a grin.

James paused briefly for a response, but Lily's lips were pressed into a thin line, and she kept her gaze fixed on the corridor in front of her. James glanced over his shoulder, but seemed to remember that Sirius and Peter never offered advice on picking up Lily. Not that James ever took the advice Remus offered (though Peter thought he might have better luck if he _did_), but James did like the idea of having support.

"Your eyes, then," said James in a faintly argumentative tone. "They're… nice. I don't usually like green; reminds me of Slytherin. And McGonagall."

Peter slapped his forehead as Sirius snickered into his hand. "He's getting better," Sirius whispered. "Evans would rather be a professor than a dragon, I think."

Frowning, James paused as though to get his thoughts back on track. "I like green on you, though. On your eyes, I mean. Wait, on your eyes? Or is it in your eyes? Of?"

"He likes your eyes," Peter supplied, seeing that James was growing flustered and Sirius was too busy wheezing with silent laughter to offer any help.

"Right, that's it." James nodded. "I like your eyes. Even if they _are_ green. No, blast it all, that didn't come out right, either. I meant—"

Lily stopped short and whirled around, making James swallow whatever else he'd about to babble out. "You know what, Potter?"she asked. "I think Hagrid had the right idea. We should split up."

James ginned. "Brill! Sirius can go with Peter, and I'll go with you!"

"I'll go alone, thanks."

"With no one to save you from all the sock-wielding armours?"

"I can protect myself perfectly well, Potter."

Peter frowned. "Even Hagrid was having a hard time," he pointed out. "_I _certainly wouldn't want to go up against them alone."

"Exactly!" said James, flashing Peter a thumbs-up.

"And who else are you going to go with?" Sirius asked, much to Peter's surprise. He didn't usually help James' efforts to woo Lily. Peter was almost impressed… until Sirius went on. "Peter? He couldn't protect you from the _sock_, let alone the armour."

Scowling, Peter stomped on Sirius' foot – the same one Lily had trod on earlier, and Sirius bit down on a curse Peter knew would have earned a hex from Lily. "Or you could go with Sirius," Peter said to Lily. "Only he might turn you loopy like Remus."

Lily's lip curled. With one last glare at the boys, she spun on her heel. She'd hardly taken two steps, however, before she slipped. James caught her so quickly Peter had to wonder if he'd cast _Glisseo_ on the floor while the others were distracted.

It didn't much matter. As soon as Lily regained her balance, she swatted James' hand away and turned to survey the corridor. A thin layer of water covered the floor, lapping against closed doors and dribbling down a nearby staircase.

"What the…?" James began.

"Leaky pipe?" Peter suggested.

Sirius shook his head. "Or Remus."

After a moment of indecision, James, Sirius, and Lily struck out toward the source and Peter, not wanting to be left behind, picked his way carefully along behind them. He had to hike up his robes to keep them dry, and even still, every step splashed water up the back of his legs.

Two corridors away, the trickle became a flow, which led them to a staircase-turned-waterfall. Sirius was the only one brave enough (or stupid enough, according to Lily, and Peter was inclined to agree) to try climbing the flooded stairs, and even he gave up in the end. They spent the next several minutes finding a drier way up to the fifth floor. Peter noticed several secret passages that would have got them there faster, but James and Sirius seemed reluctant to tip Lily off to the secret of their pranking success.

On their way, they passed several toilets, all of which had puddles of water seeping out from under their doors. Peter wondered if Remus had done something to the plumbing, but they didn't stop to investigate until they found the flood once more. The flow was much swifter here, and it was a simple matter to follow it to the source – a door not far from the statue of Boris the Bewildered.

"That's the prefects' bath," said Sirius, surprised.

Lily frowned. "How do _you_ know where the prefects' bath is?"

Sirius smirked. "Same way I know how to get in. Snogged a prefect."

"Black!"

"You asked," Sirius said rather snippily. Nevertheless, he drifted away from Lily.

Peter rolled his eyes. "Do you really think Remus would prank the prefects?"

"Did you _see_ him at breakfast, Peter?" James asked. "I wouldn't put anything past him at this point."

Three glares turned to Sirius, who grinned guiltily. "Well," he said, smoothing back his hair. "Only one thing to do!"

"Leave?" Peter asked.

"Take Evans to Hogsmeade?" James suggested, smiling hopefully at Lily, who scowled.

"Hex all of you and find Remus on my own?"

Sirius' grin didn't waver, though Peter and James both eyed Lily's wand warily. "No. _Porskoff!"_

There was no time to react; the door swung wide as soon as Sirius gave the password, and a wall of water came crashing down on them, knocking Peter off his feet. He came up coughing. Long before he caught his breath, Lily was on her feet hollering at Sirius for being a complete bonehead.

"But Evans!" Sirius protested innocently. "How else were we going to find out what's going on in there?"

James, who seemed to have avoided the worst of the drenching, snorted as he stretched out a hand to Peter. "You could've warned us first."

"Where's the fun in that?"

Huffing, Lily stumped toward the door. Then, as though rethinking her actions, she drew her wand and pointed it at Sirius. "_Silencio_."

Sirius opened his mouth, but of course no sound came out, so he resorted to pouting at Lily while James laughed aloud.

"Don't get mad at _me_," said Lily, stepping through the doorway. The floor of the bathroom was several inches lower than the corridor, so the water here rose past Lily's ankles. "I just don't want you opening a trap door under me."

"No need to worry about that, Evans," James said as he sloshed after her. "All the trap doors we've found have switches."

Lily scowled over her shoulder.

When Sirius followed the other two into the room, Peter sighed and did the same. Now that he was thoroughly soaked, there was no point in hiking up his robes, so he just plodded on through.

Peter had never been in the prefects' bath himself, though he had stood guard outside under the invisibility cloak as James and Sirius set up a prank. It was larger than he'd expected; he could have swum laps in the bath itself, which was set into the floor. A number of taps lined the near edge, and though they were submerged, Peter could still make out colorful streams issuing from each.

Bubbles frothed on the surface of the water, and a handful drifted lazily through the air. Peter waved them away from his face as he searched for Remus. But it wasn't Remus they found.

"I should've known _you'd_ be the ones to find me."

Peter groaned at the familiar voice. "Myrtle."

"What are you doing in the prefects' bath, Myrtle?" Lily demanded. "You've got your toilets on the second floor to haunt; isn't that enough?"

Normally, Myrtle would have burst into tears at this point, wailed about how nobody liked her, and vanished into the plumbing. (Peter knew this from far too many encounters with the annoying ghost.) But this time, Myrtle merely giggled and floated up to the ceiling.

"That toilet's _boring_," said Myrtle. "Nobody ever comes to see me there. So I thought I'd go explore the castle… Have some _fun_…"

"But why _here_?" Lily asked.

"I can't stand prefects. They made Olive Hornby a prefect, you know."

Peter frowned. "Who's Olive Hornby?"

"What does_ that_ matter?" James asked. "Why'd you suddenly decide to be social?"

With a wistful sigh, Myrtle dipped down to the bath and trailed her finger along the surface of the water. "Remus came to see me today. He's such a nice boy, the only one who listens to me." Myrtle giggled. "He told me to make the castle cry, so that's exactly what I'm doing."

Peter shuddered. "Is it just me, or is she creepier when she's happy?"

James looked like he wanted to be sick. "Is it just me, or does _Moaning Myrtle_ fancy Remus?"

Sirius cringed and waved at James until he removed Lily's silencing spell. "I can fix this!"

"Oh no you can't!" Lily said, glaring at James, who developed a sudden fascination with the handle of his wand. "I'm taking him straight to Madam Pomfrey!"

Myrtle stiffened. "Madam Pomfrey? Whatever for?"

"To put him back the way he was."

"You can't!" Myrtle's eyes were wide and tearful – she finally looked like the Myrtle Peter knew and hated. "I won't let you! I like him better this way!"

"Too bad," said Sirius. "Moony would _kill_ us if we let him start something with you."

The tears building in Myrtle's eyes spilled over. With a metallic groan and a rattle of faucets, the room exploded in a storm of steam and spray. The four Gryffindors yelped, shielding their faces from the scalding water. Tripping over each other and their own sopping robes, they scrambled toward the door. Myrtle gave chase, pipes bursting from the walls and ceiling to hound the fleeing teens.

"Brilliant idea, mate," James grunted as they rounded a corner. "Let's taunt the psychotic ghost who controls the school's plumbing!"

"How was I supposed to know she'd attack? She always runs away when you take the mick out of her!"

Lily scowled. "Just how often do you tease her, Black?"

"Er…"

Not waiting for an answer, Lily reached out and smacked the back of Sirius' head. He stumbled and took a blast of water in the face.

James doubled back to save Sirius. "Save the abuse for later, eh, Evans? One angry woman at a time!"

From the look on Lily's face, she would have liked very much to hand James and Sirius over to Myrtle, but just then, a pipe fell from the ceiling, nearly landing on her head. After that, she held her tongue and focused on running.

-.-.-

It took Remus nearly an hour to track down Hogwart's resident poltergeist. Getting his attention was much easier – all it took was throwing an egg he'd taken from Leeroy's cage at the small, devious-looking man. To Remus' surprise and delight, the egg didn't simply crack when it hit Peeves. It exploded.

"Oooh! Ickle Remmie-kins all by his lonesome!" Peeves cackled as the smoke cleared. His short, dark hair, was singed, but he didn't bother to wipe the soot from his face as he crossed his legs and hovered upside down a few inches from Remus' face.

Remus beamed at Leeroy, silently thanking her for the egg bomb, then stared placidly back at Peeves. "Yup. All alone. Like Peevesie!" He frowned suddenly, leaning forward so his nose was touching Peeves'. "Why are you always alone, Peeves?" His eyes widened dramatically, and he leaned forward still more. "Haven't you got any friends?"

Peeves' only response was to turn intangible so Remus fell on his face. Leeroy squawked and tried to scurry away. Grabbing her by the legs and dangling her upside down, Remus flicked her beak.

"Bad Leeroy. _Bad_."

Leeroy clucked once and fell silent.

Turning back to Peeves, who was now standing on the ceiling, Remus stroked his chicken and smiled vacuously. "You shouldn't work alone. Peanuts always come in twos."

Peeves' eyes widened minutely. "Lupin's gone loony…" His grinned widened. "What happened? Is it permanent? Could we do it to everyone?"

Remus shrugged. "Only the Doctor can sonic you."

"Too bad. Still, got to have some fun before they fix you – or lock you away where Peevesie can't find you. Haven't we?"

"Before they fix me!"

With a cackle, Peeves dropped down beside Remus and studied him critically. "Only question is what to do."

Grinning, Remus settled Leeroy on his head. "Chaos."

-.-.-

"This was Peeves."

Lily frowned at Black, and then at the corridor before her. After ten minutes of fleeing exploding pipes and windows that spat at them and other traps set by Myrtle (possibly with Remus' help), the four teens had come face-to-face with the most daunting obstacle yet.

Bubbles – big, fat, gray-green bubbles – filled the corridor from floor to ceiling, packed so tightly Lily could have been looking at the back end of an enormous, warty toad, if not for the eddying currents that swept through the mass every so often. It was impossible to say how thick the bubble-wall was, or whether it was even possible to get through.

"What makes you so sure Peeves did this?" Lily asked. "It was probably Myrtle." She glanced over her shoulder to ensure the vengeful ghost girl wasn't sneaking up on them with a tsunami. "Or maybe Remus did this. You know," she added with a pointed look at Black, "since he's madder than a hatter right now."

Black chuckled. "_Madder than a hatter_… I love muggles."

"It was Peeves," said Potter firmly.

"How can you be sure?"

"We're the Marauders, Evans," said Black. "And it's _Peeves._"

Peter nodded. "It's a very distinctive mischief."

Chuckling, Potter prodded the nearest bubble, which blew a raspberry at them as it popped. "You get a feel for these things after a year or two."

"I'm sure you do." Lily sighed, once more considering leaving the boys behind to look for Remus on her own. Merlin knew it would save her a migraine, if nothing else. But she didn't trust Peter enough to keep Potter and Black from doing something worse to Remus than they already had. "So are we going to find another way through or what?"

Potter and Black exchanged a long look that gave Lily an uneasy feeling. They were planning something. She started to back away, but before she'd gone far, both boys had a hold of her wrists. Screaming like banshees, they charged the bubble-wall. Lily dug her heels in and tried to pull out of their grasp, but suddenly Peter was behind her, pushing her forward.

They plunged into the bubbles as one unit. A cacophony of belches, shrieks, cackles, and jeers erupted around them. Something warm and sticky sprayed across her face, and a bubble as hard as a rubber ball hit her left shoulder blade. On either side of her, the boys laughed uproariously, as though they did this every day.

_Of course _they_ would enjoy something like this._

Lily hoped they found Remus soon. If they didn't, she was likely to go as barmy as her friend.

Blinded and nearly deafened by the enchanted bubbles, there was no option but to press onward, bearing the bruises and unidentifiable goo as best she could. When they finally emerged on the other side, Lily's robes were covered in what she sincerely hoped was only mud (though the color reminded her all-too-strongly of bogeys), her hair felt as unmanageable as Potter's, and she wanted nothing more than to take a long, hot shower.

"We're near Gryffindor Tower," said Potter, wiping his slimy spectacles on his slimier robes. "Let's see if Remus is holed up in there."

Black snorted. "Sure. He's probably taking a _nap_ between pranks."

"You do," said Peter. "Though to be fair, you don't usually make it back to the room before you kip out."

Lily ignored them and strode down the corridor, trying not to get her hopes up. With the way Remus had been acting at dinner, he was probably up in the Divination Tower by now, crystal-gazing with Madame Syrah. Still, the faster she moved, the sooner she found Remus, and the sooner she got to take a shower.

They rounded the last corner and Lily bit back a frustrated scream. It seemed Myrtle had been here already, for the entirety of the staircase where the Fat Lady's portrait hung had been turned into a thundering waterfall that seemed likely to sweep them all down to the dungeons.

"Oi!" cried Potter, beaming. "Free shower!"

"_All_ our showers are free," Lily muttered, stalking forward. She stuck her hand out and shivered at the icy water. Of course it couldn't have been warm. That would have been far too kind of Myrtle. The last thing Lily wanted to do was walk into that waterfall, but the longer she stayed there, the more likely she was to be shoved into the waterfall against her will.

_At least I'll be clean._

With a deep breath, Lily plunged in, gasping at the cold and running through the deluge as quickly as she could, gritting her teeth at the moronically happy shouts that followed her. There was a narrow shelf of dry floor at the far side of the landing, by the Fat Lady, and Lily huddled against the wall, rubbing warmth back into her chilled arms.

"_N-n-non s-sequitur_," she gasped out.

The Fat Lady clicked her tongue. "Not this time, love. If I go out in that, I'll be _weeks_ in restoration!"

Lily moaned.

"Problem, Evans?" Potter asked, appearing at her side. His drenched hair lay flat against his skull (for once) and hung dripping onto his lenses. He soon remedied the situation by scratching his head so vigorously Lily almost asked if he had fleas.

"She won't let us in," Lily said instead.

Black and Peter joined them by the wall. Peter looked back at the waterfall thoughtfully. "She _is_ a portrait, after all."

"Can't expect her to go for a swim," Black agreed.

"Don't worry your pretty little head, Evans." Potter puffed up like a cockatoo and pushed his sleeves to his elbows. "I'll save you from Myrtle's dratted waterfall! _Impervious!_"

The Fat Lady giggled as Potter's spell hit her, then applauded. "Such a clever boy! This is sure to keep the water off me."

Potter gave a sweeping bow. "Nothing to it!" He tapped his glasses. "How else am I supposed to play Quidditch in the rain with these?"

"Yeah, sure, Potter," Lily grumbled. "Very _clever_ of you. I'll bet it was Remus who taught you that charm."

"You're just jealous, Evans," said Black. "You wish you'd've thought of it first, don't you?"

"_Non sequitur,_" Lily snapped to the Fat Lady.

Black laughed.

Lily whirled toward him as the Fad Lady swung open. "On more snarky comment from you, Black, and I swear I'll—"

"_Evans!_"

The next thing Lily knew, she was flat on her back on the wet landing, water pattering down all around her, and Potter was on top of her, grinning stupidly. "Alright, Evans?"

"Get _off_ me, Potter." Rolling her eyes, Lily shoved Potter to the side, then spluttered as the falling water he'd been blocking caught her in the face.

"You're welcome, by the way," said Potter as they both climbed to their feet and rejoined Peter and Black by the portrait hole.

"For what?"

Potter stooped to pick up something that lay at the edge of the waterfall. "I just saved your life!" He held up the object - a sword.

Lily took a step back (Potter with a sword? She'd rather face a dragon without her wand.) "Where'd that come from?"

"In there."

As Potter pointed the sword toward the portrait hole, there came a cry from within, and three more swords flew through the opening, hilts-first, towards Potter, who brandished his sword, obviously clueless about how to wield it. He managed to deflect the first sword, which spun away and narrowly missed Peter's neck. The second sword sailed over Potter's shoulder, and the last hit him in the gut, bringing him to his knees with a grunt of pain.

"Excellent show, mate," said Black, grinning.

Potter was too busy moaning to respond.

Lily sighed and peered cautiously into the common room. "Remus must have taken these from those suits of armour we found earlier, but… _why?_"

"Does he _need_ a reason?" Potter wheezed.

A dark-haired form backed into view, twirling what looked like a curtain rod to deflect a flock of gobstones. When he had sent the last one sailing across the room, he turned toward the newcomers.

"Richard, right?" Lily asked, straining to remember him. He was tall and slender – probably a seventh year – and had an athletic build, though she didn't think he was on the Quidditch team. "Richard Grayson."

"No time to talk." He nodded at the sword in Potter's hand. "You'll want those if you're coming in here."

Peter frowned. "How come?"

Richard opened his mouth to respond, but the gobstones had regrouped, and he returned his focus to his battle. Two gobstones went down, and then he deftly executed a back handspring to evade the rest. A moment later, he had passed out of sight.

The fourth years exchanged uneasy glances.

"What are the odds Remus is _actually_ in there?" asked Black.

Potter grimaced. "Enough that we've got to risk it." He grabbed the sword that had hit him and extended the hilt to Lily, who took it only reluctantly. It was heavier than she'd expected and unwieldy. She would much rather use her wand, but Richard's advice made it sound as though magic wasn't an option.

"_Accio sword!_"

Lily looked up in alarm as Black pointed his wand toward the waterfall, where one of the swords had disappeared. Peter, who was behind Black retrieving the last sword, jerked around. A second later, the sword came flying out of the downpour; Peter and Black dropped to the ground simultaneously, and the sword crashed against the wall.

"I'm so glad Remus found friends with common sense," said Lily venomously as Black grabbed his sword.

Black stuck his tongue out at her.

"Oh, _that's_ mature."

"Yeah, yeah." Potter waved his sword about carelessly, and Lily put another two feet between them. "Here's the plan – if Moony's not in the common room, we clear a path to the stairs. I'll run up and check the room."

"Why do you get to go?" asked Black.

"Because I'm the fastest."

Lily scoffed. "Or because he's the most likely to decapitate one of us if he stays."

Potter huffed, but Black, laughing, turned and charged into the room without another word. Potter and Peter followed soon after, and Lily sighed. _I guess we're going._ Clutching her sword in one hand and her wand in the other, Lily leaped though the portrait hole and braced herself for an attack.

By the time the Fat Lady's portrait swung shut, all three boys were engaged in swordfights – Potter with a fireplace poker, Black with an armchair, and Peter with a purple pineapple that appeared to be doing a tango with a vase.

Glancing around the nearly-empty room, Lily saw that everyone had their own opponent, and the various objects hovering at the edges of the room made no move to join in. At least she didn't have to worry about anything sneaking up on her.

With a _woosh_, Lily's opponent descended on her. She turned to find herself facing… curtains. Lacy, gently-wafting curtains.

She might have stood gaping at the curtains all night, but they seemed impatient to start the fight. They billowed toward her as though caught by a stiff wind, and smacked her in the face with surprising force. The blow snapped Lily out of her shock, and she quickly raised her wand.

"_Immobulus!_"

Rather than freezing the curtains, Lily's spell only set them aflutter. Had Remus managed to make these objects impervious to magic, she wondered? That would take a tremendous amount of magic. Could a fourth year even manage it? Perhaps Peeves had helped. Or perhaps all this was the product of unfocused magic, and her spells were getting muddled up by all the extraneous magical energy.

Lily hastily shoved her wand back into her pocket. Unlike Black, she knew not to toss spells about when she wasn't sure what the result would be. One stray spell in here could turn half of Gryffindor into raving lunatics.

The curtains bore down on her again, and Lily swung her sword as best she could. The tip caught the lace and tore a small slit. With a tiny wail, the curtains redoubled their attack, flailing at her like a muggle in a ghost costume, and Lily had to focus all her energy on defending herself.

_I'm sword-fighting curtains,_ she thought with a wild urge to laugh. _Of course I am. Makes perfect sense. If Peter has to fight a dancing purple pineapple, why shouldn't I fight a piece of drapery? _Remus must have truly been off his rocker to set this up.

Lily made a mental note to throttle Black after they put Remus back to normal.

-.-.-

James would have liked to enjoy his battle against the fireplace poker. It really was a brilliant prank idea, although if Remus had been in his right mind, he certainly would have been more careful about it. Swords did have a tendency to cut things… things like clumsy eleven-year-olds just trying to get to their dormitory.

They really needed to get responsible Remus back. Reckless fun was all well and good for James and Sirius, but there was an unspoken agreement among the Marauders that Remus would always be there to keep them in line. James didn't like having the roles reversed.

So rather than make a show of fencing his poker, James dealt with it as quickly as he could and darted up the staircase while it struggled to free itself from the back of a sofa. He climbed to the fourth year dormitory and threw the door wide.

His other dormmates, Frank Longbottom and Alexander Thorne, were within, crouched behind forts made up of trunks, desks, and pillows. Frank held a sword much like James', and Alexander appeared to have a troll's club at his side.

"James?" asked Frank, lowering his sword.

James nodded and eyed their weapons. "Survived the common room, did you?"

"Barely."

"Remus isn't here, is he?"

Frowning, Frank shook his head. "I haven't seen him since he started the food fight at dinner."

James sighed. "Right. Guess I'll have to look somewhere else, then."

"Good luck," said Alexander. "Don't die on your way out."

Laughing, James turned and hurried back down the stairs. The common room seemed to have calmed somewhat in his absence; Richard Grayson had finally subdued the gobstone set and now stood in a corner, casting a calculating gaze at the other enchanted objects. Peter had skewered his pineapple and smashed the vase it had been dancing with, and he now lay panting on the floor. A few feet away, Sirius' armchair lay upside down, and Sirius balanced atop it like a climber at a mountain's peak. He raised his sword above his head, roared at the top of his lungs, and thrust the sword deep into the upholstery.

As James turned to look for Lily, the poker he'd been fighting swept toward him, and he hastily brought up his sword.

"Any luck?" Lily called from somewhere to his right.

James turned to find her battling a shredded lace curtain, which looked like a miniature Giant Squid with all its writhing about. "He's not there."

Lily swore.

"Language, Evans," Sirius chided.

"Let's just get out of here."

No one argued with that idea, and so, once Lily found a book to drop on her curtains, pinning them, and once James conjured a casket to contain his poker, they tossed aside their swords and clambered out through the portrait hole. Myrtle's waterfall was still going strong, giving them all their second icy shower of the day.

"Where to now?" Peter asked through chattering teeth once he had reached the far side of the landing.

"I'm out of ideas," James admitted. "We've already checked the library, the room, the kitchens, our spot—"

"_Your _spot?" Lily asked, frowning.

"Yep," said James. "First place we looked."

"It's a secret," Sirius added. "Otherwise we'd tell you more."

Lily crossed her arms. "A secret?"

Peter shrugged. "Only the four of us are allowed to go there. We like our privacy."

"What matters," James said as Lily opened her mouth, "is that Remus isn't there. We've checked all the places he usually goes."

Lily reached a hand up to her hair, which was in utter chaos. Grimacing, she found a hair tie in her pocket and pulled her hair into a bun. "But he isn't exactly himself right now, is he?"

"So, what?" asked Peter. "We search the whole castle?"

James checked his watch. "It's almost nine already. We haven't got time to search the whole castle."

Sirius yawned. "Especially with all the surprises Myrtle and Remus and Peeves have put together."

"You could at least _pretend_ to be worried," said Lily, scowling at them for what must have been the thousandth time since dinner. James was surprised she hadn't given it up yet. She must've realized her glares didn't accomplish anything.

As they rounded the next corner, a small, blonde blur hurtled into them, let out an _eep,_ and stumbled back, holding a heavy iron skillet in front of her like a sword. James raised an eyebrow at the young girl – a first year, he guessed. She was a Hufflepuff, and her thick braid fell well past her knees. She eyed the Gryffindors with wariness for a second before relaxing.

"Sorry," she said, hugging her skillet to her chest. "I didn't see you there."

Lily shook her head. "Don't worry about it. Is everything alright?"

"Well…" The girl bit her lip. "I _kinda_ overheard some Slytherins talking, and…"

"And you came to us for help," said Sirius. "Smart girl."

Rolling her eyes, Lily put an arm around the girl's shoulder. "Not all Slytherins are bad, Black."

The girl frowned. "But Mother always told me that Slytherin was full of people who would boil me alive and suck out my blood and—"

"I'm pretty sure there aren't any cannibals or vampires at Hogwarts," said Lily, laughing.

James grinned at Sirius and Peter. No, there weren't any vampires at Hogwarts. Werewolves, on the other hand…

"Why don't you take us to where you saw these Slytherins?" Lily suggested. "We'll make sure they aren't up to no good."

Nodding, the Hufflepuff girl led the way along the corridor, around far too many corners for her to have possibly kept straight in her head, and down a staircase to the fifth floor.

"They're just up ahead," the girl said when at last she stopped. Sure enough, James could hear low voices drifting around the next corner. The girl raised her skillet.

Chuckling at the girl's choice in weapon, James peered around the corner, Sirius at his side. Twenty feet away, in the shadow of a towering statue, stood a group of perhaps a dozen Slytherins. They were talking in low tones and sending nervous glances around the empty corridor.

"It's been following me since dinner!" one of the Slytherins hissed.

A squat-faced girl who looked as though she had been held back several times snorted. "Don't be a pansy, Rosier. Those Gryffindorks haven't stopped pulling pranks in the last two years, have they?"

Rosier shook his head. "They've gotten worse."

"Course they have," said a boy who had the same flat nose as the girl. "Don't let them get to you."

With a glance over his shoulder, Rosier shuddered. "But it's so creepy. It's got this eye that's always _staring _at me, and its mouth! It's like it's going to swallow me whole!"

"It's a _doll_, eejit," said the girl. "Now shush up and focus!"

Snorting, James ducked back around the corner and smiled at the little Hufflepuff girl. "I don't think you have to worry about them. They're just hiding from a dollie." Lily raised her eyebrow, and James shrugged. "Don't ask me. I think it's Remus' doing."

"What do you suppose he'll do next?" asked Peter, peering around the corner.

"Either blow us all up or rub soup in our hair," said Sirius dryly. "It's a toss-up."

James laughed.

Lily, of course, did not. When Peter turned back, Lily took her turn spying on the Slytherins. Turning back, she frowned. "Those are the Carrows," she said.

James frowned. "So?"

"_So_, they graduated a couple years ago. The brother was a seventh year when we started, and the sister was only a year or two behind him." She glanced over her shoulder. "I wonder what they're doing here?"

"Should I go to Professor Sprout?" the Hufflepuff girl asked.

Before Lily could answer, there was a shout from around the corner.

"There it is!"

One person laughed. "Oooh, look at the creepy doll, everyone. It's gonna get you!"

No one else seemed to find it amusing.

"It really _is_ creepy!"

"Look at its eye…"

"Those Gryffindorks really outdid themselves this time."

The Carrow sister scoffed. "It's a _toy_. Just ignore it."

"But it's staring at me!"

"So turn around!"

A beat of silence passed, and then someone screamed.

"What the—?"

"How'd it get over there?!"

"Okay, that's it!" cried Rosier, voice shaking. "I'm sick of this stupid thing! _Reducto!_"

There was a crack and what sounded like a little girl giggling.

"_Reducto!_"

Another crack. Another giggle.

"Bloody— _Reducto!_ Why isn't it doing anything?"

"_Reducto!_" someone else shouted.

"_Incendio!_"

"_Diffindo!_"

The curses continued flying, faster and faster, interspersed with cries of, "What's going on?" and "What did those Gryffindorks _do_ to it?" More voices joined in, flinging darker spells at the doll, and the chatter grew more frantic.

James held in his laughter as long as he could, but when Rosier let out a squeal like a pig and shouted, "It's _touching _me! _Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!" _James lost it.

"Too bad Remus isn't here to see this," Sirius wheezed, wiping tears from his eyes. "This is brilliant!"

Lily pursed her lips and stared at the corner as though expecting to see the doll that was tormenting the Slytherins. "Should we help them?"

"No," said James and Sirius together.

"But—"

A figure rounded the corner and threw himself against the wall, clutching a bag to his chest. He was a Slytherin not much older than James, with glossy brown hair that flopped in his eyes. He glanced behind him once, grinned, and opened the bag in his arms.

"Alone at la—"

The Slytherin never had a chance to finish his sentence, for the Hufflepuff, squeezing her eyes shut, swung her skillet at his head. It connected with a _CLANG_, and the boy slumped to the floor, unconscious. The girl squeaked and ducked behind Lily.

"Is he dead?"

Lily massaged her temples. "No, he's not dead."

"But he's going to have an awful headache when he wakes up," said James, grinning.

Smacking James' arm, Lily turned to the girl. "Why don't you go get Madam Pomfrey, just in case? We'll make sure the professors know about the Carrows."

"We will?" Sirius asked.

"Yes." Lily nudged the girl, who took off for the stairs. Straightening up, Lily turned in the opposite direction. "We haven't found Remus yet, but maybe one of the professors has. I was thinking we ought to see Professor Dumbledore."

-.-.-

It was a mark of how tired Sirius was that he didn't protest going to see the Headmaster. In the last four years, he'd been sent to the Headmaster's office more than a dozen times, and while he preferred Dumbledore to McGonagall, that didn't mean he _liked_ going there. But he was stiff, wet, and exhausted, and if seeing the Headmaster would help them find Remus faster, he was all for it.

There was, of course, the issue of the password, which none of them knew. James suggested guessing random sweets (every time they'd been sent to Dumbledore's office, the password had been the name of a candy sold at Honeydukes) until the gargoyle let them through.

"We haven't got _time_ to go guessing every sweet ever made," Lily argued. "Professor McGonagall would know the password."

"Yeah," said James, "and she'd spend twenty minutes lecturing us before she took us to see Dumbledore."

"At least we'd know we would be able to see the Headmaster. I'm not going to stand around spouting nonsense at a statue until someone takes pity on us!"

"And _I'm_ not going to spend an hour telling McGonagall what we've been up to. She'll only say we've broken a hundred school rules and give us detention."

Lily laughed. "If you don't want detentions, _Potter_, then don't break the rules!"

"You'll get a detention, too, Evans!"

"_What?_"

"You went into the prefects' bath, didn't you? I don't see a badge on those robes of yours."

Scowling, Lily whirled to face James. "You wouldn't _dare_."

"Are you willing to bet on that?"

"I am afraid, Mr. Potter, that betting is not allowed on school grounds."

The four teens jumped at the voice and turned to see Dumbledore behind them, smiling genially at them.

"Professor!" cried Lily. "We were just coming to see you."

"Were you?" Dumbledore's blue eyes twinkled. "Perhaps about a certain pair of former Slytherins in the castle?"

Sirius grinned. "How do you always know these things?"

"I'm Headmaster," said Dumbledore. "It is my job to know what happens in my school." He paused. "I have also had a number of students reporting strangers on the grounds. Not to worry; they are being escorted off the grounds as we speak. Now, I was hoping the four of you could help _me_ with something."

Lily stood up straighter, and Sirius gave James a meaningful look. _Goody two-shoes_, he mouthed. James rolled his eyes.

"Anything, Professor," said Lily. "What do you need us to do?"

Dumbledore chuckled. "Just answer some questions I've been pondering. For instance, could any of you explain to me why Mr. Lupin has decided to take a nap in my office?"

"_Remus?_" Lily gasped.

Sirius beamed. "You've found him, then!"

"_He_ found _me,_ to be precise."

"But you know where he is," said James.

"Indeed." Dumbledore arched an eyebrow. "Have you been looking for him?"

Peter nodded. "Since dinner."

"How long has he been in your office, sir?" asked Lily.

"Oh, a quarter of an hour or so." Dumbledore smiled. "It sounds as though Mr. Lupin has had quite the evening."

James and Sirius exchanged smirks. "You could say that," James said.

"Well, you can tell me all about it on the way to my office."

-.-.-

Five minutes later, they entered Dumbledore's office. Remus lay curled up on the desk, snoring softly, but what caught Sirius' attention were the two birds perched by the window sill. One Sirius recognized as Fawkes, Dumbledore's phoenix, who was looking rather ill. _Must be a burning day soon,_ Sirius thought, watching the phoenix tuck its beak under one ruffled wing.

Beside Fawkes was a plump chicken, who was squawking incessantly.

"Lady?"

Dumbledore glanced at Sirius, and then at the chicken. "Ah. It seems you can answer another question for me. You know where this chicken came from?"

"She's Hagrid's," said Lily. "Professor Kettleburn was trying to remove some sort of enchantment, but he couldn't, so Hagrid took her."

Nodding, Dumbledore frowned. "In that case, I shall have to get Lady back to Hagrid before morning."

James, who had begun shaking Remus, glanced over his shoulder at Lady. "Why before morning?"

"This particular chicken," said Dumbledore, picking her up, "has a habit of bursting into flames as the sun rises." He smiled at the startled looks the teens were giving him. "Normally I would be happy to offer Lady Fawkes' perch for her burning, but I'm afraid Fawkes himself may need it before then. Better to let Hagrid care for his pet, I think."

"Yeah, probably." Sirius laughed and joined James in his attempts to rouse Remus. "Wake up, Moony. It's time for bed."

Remus mumbled something indistinct and rolled over, kicking a stack of papers to the floor.

Cringing, James dragged on Remus' arm. "Come on. We've got to get you to Madam Pomfrey."

"Don't wanna," Remus whined, pulling away from James. "'m tired."

Lily inched forward, biting her lip. "We could always levitate him to the Hospital Wing…"

Sirius shook his head. "No need."

Sighing, Lily crossed her arms. "He isn't getting up, Black. He's probably exhausted from all the magic he's done."

"I know. Just stand back and watch." Sirius waved Lily away and, rolling her eyes, she backed up. With a wink, Sirius bent down to Remus' ear. "Hey _Moony_. We've got a _cake _for you!"

Remus' eyes flew open, and he rolled over. "Chocolate?"

Sirius huffed. "What sort of friends do you take us for? Of course it's chocolate. But you've got to come down to the kitchens for it, alright?"

"Alright." Yawing, Remus rolled off the desk, stretched, and started for the door.

Sirius smirked at Lily. "Told you."

"Whatever, Black. Let's just go make sure he _gets_ to the Hospital Wing without collapsing or wandering off to cause more trouble."

As it turned out, getting Remus to the Hospital Wing was easier than Sirius had expected. Halfway there, Remus seemed to forget where he was going, and Sirius had to push him along for several minutes so he wouldn't stop for a staring contest with a statue. Then, suddenly, Remus decided it was _his_ turn to push, and so, with a giggle, he began to steer Sirius down the corridor. Sirius didn't argue, and when they reached the Hospital Wing (with some correction from James and Lily), Sirius let himself be pushed inside.

Remus happily followed, but he stopped when he saw Madam Pomfrey tending the Slytherin who'd been hit with the skillet.

"Where's the cake?" Remus asked, frowning. James and Peter shut the doors before Remus could think to run off. Remus ignored them and glared at Sirius. "You said there'd be cake. You lied. There isn't any cake."

Sirius cringed. "Sure there is! It's just… It's on Mars!"

"What happened?" Madam Pomfrey asked, eyeing each of the Marauders in turn before settling on Lily. "Who's hurt?"

"Remus," said Lily. "Only 'hurt' isn't quite the right word. Black hit him with some made-up spell, and…"

"PEEVES!" Remus cried, pointing excitedly at the far wall, where the poltergeist had appeared.

Madam Pomfrey scowled. "Oh, no you don't, Peeves. I've told you before, I won't have you in my infirmary!"

Peeves blew a raspberry at her and turned to Remus. "Lupin!" he cried gleefully. "Loony Lupin!"

"Loopy Lupin!" Remus answered, delighted.

"Loony, loopy Lupin." Cackling, Peeves dodged a bottle Madam Pomfrey had tossed at him. "Going to fix him, are we? Too bad. Peevesie likes him better this way." Rather than answer, Madam Pomfrey hefted another empty bottle. Peeves stuck out his tongue, and before she could throw it, he zipped through the wall, singing, "Loony, loopy, Lupin," over and over.

Remus clapped at the performance, then wandered off to inspect the nearest bed.

Lily grimaced. "Do you think you'll be able to fix him?"

"We'll see," said Madam Pomfrey. "Now all of you go wait outside. I'll call you in when I've finished."

She turned aside to deal with Remus, who had begun jumping up and down on the bed, and the other teens filed out into the hall.

The minutes ticked by, and Sirius began to hum the tune Peeves had been singing. It really was quite catchy. Lily, unfortunately, disagreed, and took off her shoe so she could beat him around the head with it.

"Blimey, Evans!" Sirius cried, ducking behind James. "What's gotten into you?"

"Remus is going to kill you, Black. Just you wait."

"What? Why?"

Lily hit him again. "That song. You know Peeves; it'll be all over the school by breakfast, and everyone's going to be calling him Loony Lupin."

"Loony, _Loopy_ Lupin," Sirius corrected.

Lily rapped him on the head.

Ten minutes later, the door opened, and Madam Pomfrey let them in. "Five minutes," she said sternly. "He's suffering considerable magical exhaustion, and he doesn't need you riling him up."

Sirius cringed as Madam Pomfrey and Lily fixed him with twin glares. "Fine, alright. No more excitement for tonight."

They found Remus sitting on the edge of the bed, rubbing his head. He looked up as they approached and smiled tiredly. "Lily and James together?" he asked. "And you're both still in one piece? Must be some kind of record."

"Eh, she's too mad at Sirius to kill me," said James.

Remus frowned. "At Sirius? Oh…" He grimaced. "The ruddy screwdriver?"

"_Sonic_ screwdriver," said Sirius. "But close."

"What happened?" Remus sounded resigned, as he always did when asking about James' and Sirius' exploits.

Avoiding Remus' eyes, Sirius waved his hand. "Long story. We'll tell you tomorrow. You just went a little loopy. Caused some chaos with Peeves. Oh, and I think you may've made Moaning Myrtle fall for you."

"_Myrtle?_" Remus asked, blanching. "How…?"

"No clue," said James. "But you might want to avoid the second floor for a while all the same."

Remus groaned.

"And then there's the song." Sirius grinned. "_Loony—_"

Lily stomped on Sirius' foot. "No singing, Black."

"There's a _song_?" Remus flushed. "Wonderful."

"Don't worry, Moony. I'll make it up to you."

With a laugh, Remus shook his head. "Please don't. I don't want to end up married to Myrtle or anything."

Sirius grinned. "So we're alright?"

"Yeah." Remus rolled his eyes. "Just swear you won't try to make anything _sonic_ anymore?"

Nodding, Sirius placed his hand over his heart. "I solemnly swear I won't sonic anything ever again. Marauder's honor."

Lily snorted. "I wouldn't trust him if I were you, Remus."

Remus only smiled. He knew Sirius wouldn't dear break a Marauder's Vow, as all the Marauders knew. They took their vows seriously, and none of them had ever gone back on a promise that started with the words, "I solemnly swear." It was one of their rules, and whatever Lily Evans said, the Marauders _could_ follow the rules, when they wanted to.

No, Sirius would never sonic again. He would just have to find another way to entertain himself.

* * *

**A/N: And this, boys and girls, is why we never mix magic and Gallifreyan technology!  
**

**You have no idea how much I wanted to have Remus start that food fight by shouting, "Leeeeroooy Jeeenkiiins!" (And yes, that's why he named the chicken Leeroy.) XD Other battle cries I considered (and subsequently rejected) include: "Geronimo!" "Allons-y!" "For Narnia!" and "Pikachu! I choose you!" I ultimately went for the traditional Dwarven battle cry, "Baruk Khazad! (Khazad Ai-Menu!)" because it's something Remus would know, being a fan of muggle literature. Poor Remus' brains were so addled that he didn't realize he was holding a roll, not an axe, and that he is not, in fact, a Dwarf. ("Baruk Khazad! Khazad Ai-Menu!" meand "Axes of the Dwarves! The Dwarves are upon you!")  
**

**Anyhow, there were tons of geek references in there. (Referencing twelve different things last time I counted.) A thousand geek points to you if you caught them all! ;)  
**


End file.
